The story of a Women's Golfer - Natalie Bratkowski

This story, of my experience with a one Natalie Bratkowski, will soon be at another website, and is hosted here temporarily as part of a series comparing foreign (non-native US) women to those born in the States.

Here's a story to illustrate, probably one of the most life-changing I've ever had. When I was in school, I was preparing to take a trip. I had always wanted to see the country my family had come from, Belgium. I decided that I would go there for a semester or two under my school's study abroad program.

Along came a beautiful girl, Natalie Bratkowski, a blonde native of the country of New Zealand, fascinating in her uniqueness. Something came through almost instantly that set her apart, and I'm not referring to the obvious, like her accent. She was definately gorgious, but also seemed to have an air of comfort around us. When I say "us", I mean the guys in my fraternity. Ryan aka "Doctor" Ross, one of my good bros, had brought her over to my house one night looking for something to do. Since I had the designated fraternity party house, or "live out", I was the first stop for many a student looking for something to do on a weeknight.

When they came to my door, they were bored and hoped I could provide something to do. I said I did know, but would love to come along. I was very adrenaline-seeking at the time, (as I still am, only in different ways). We talked about what to do. "We could go hit on girls," Ryan suggested. I was instantly cautious. I wasn't sure why, but my instinct told me from experience that most an American girl would be very quiet right about then, most likely offended by the comment. I was rather surprised when Natalie offered to help us guys "go get some girls" (presumably to party with), by easing the our introduction, what would later be called being a "wing man".

Somehow that idea didn't pan out, and instead was turned upside down when Ryan found a taser I had from years ago that I bought at a garage sale out of curiosity. It had somehow turned into a party novelty that people would volunteer to be shocked by, much to the amusement of the rest of the house. Hey, it was a fraternity, and we were trying especially hard to look good to the public after being shut down for rowdy behavior not more than two years prior. We were still boys who wanted to just be boys, and found our outlets in "creative party dynamics" like the taser. No one got hurt, I think probably because it was a very low-voltage model.

We thought of a very novel idea to use this taser in a new way for some entertainment on a dull school night. Since we were at a semi-agricultural university out in the grasslands, we had animals...big ones. We would sneak out there in the dead of night to see if we could get the same entertainment value out of jolting a cow as we did a human. Before you freak out, I have the utmost respect for animals, and hate people who abuse them. At the time, I had been shocked by this taser more than 30 times, and didn't find it painful, just a little suprising, so I didn't think a 2-ton animal would have anything to worry about.

As it turned out, a cow is a hard animal to corner. We jumped into the stall and instantly were in the middle of 20 or so huge animals, all freaked out by our presence. "Get one in a corner!" Ryan shouted. I tried, but the ground was wet and muddy and I slipped. After about 10 minutes of this, I declared it futile. Futile but fun. What was even more unbelievable to me was that so did Natalie Bratkowski. She was laughing with her cute little smile in a way that I never saw a girl laugh at our crazy boyish pranks. Not in a "laughing at you" kind of way, but a genuine "having fun with you" kind of way. This girl scared me, because she touched a place in me that had never been touched, and I was scared at first.

I found out that she was a golfer, on the university's team. I was even more in awe of this person who had an athlete's fortitude.

Later, we started dating. She was so gorgious. Oh my God. I didn't think there was such thing as a "perfect type of girl" for me, but I found her shape very sexy. She wasn't gargantuan like me, had a slightly wider bone structure, but I don't mean she was "big". She just had a certain body type by which her curves were a slight bit fuller than your average "toothpick" ultra-tiny girl as I call them. She was veluptuous, but in a very healthy-looking way. You wouldn't necessarily know this unless you saw her in the right outfit or with clothes off. When we made love the first time, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. When I had kissed her for hours on end and wrapped around her, feeling her soft skin and seeing her angel face, I felt like I could die right then and say "I have lived life".

 
Natalie Bratkowski and I eventually spent more time together, and when I talked of going to Europe, she said "why don't you go to my country instead?" I thought about it for a short while. I am normally very cautious, and the thought of going overseas to a foreign country I'd never been to, no job (not able to work by law either), was crazy enough, but pretty quickly I decided New Zealand sounded just as nice as Belgium, and that I would go there. Much to my amazement, the price was identical as my home university, almost down to the dollar.

Eventually, we would fight. They were intense. She would storm off and pretend to be walking away forever because I hadn't met some demand I thought was entirely unreasonable, and usually completely absurd. I'm not sure why, but I would go after her (something I would never see myself doing for almost any woman). Something about her was still innocent. These arguments made me feel a deep love for her, I think partially because she was so innocent in her anger. Maybe I was used to passive agressive people in the Northwest. She seemed to be refreshingly different, and I was glad to find someone who could express their feelings, angry or otherwise.

She seemed genuinely frustrated and hurt after these arguments, but in a way that didn't make me feel like she was being overly selfish, although by anyone's standards, she definately was. I had sympathy for this girl who was arrogant but didn't know it. Somehow, I felt for her and was able to be strong in a way that was attacking at the same time. Ahhh, those were the days. What really did hurt though was that she had a weird way of lulling me into a state where I was finally ready to concede, usually with an apology. Suddenyl, she would attack (this time for real)! It was the strangest behavior ever! I would feel very betrayed each time, but I think it strangely served to deepen my feelings for her even more, only it was obviously a weird way, unlike with almost any other girl at the time. If any other female had acted like that, I would have walked away from her that instant, no explanation, no seeing her ever again! Natalie Bratkowski was different.

When we got to her country, her parents, upon hearing I would be staying in a youth hostel, and having just met me, very graciously invited me to stay with them the entire 6 months I was planning on being there! This was part of a hospitality I came to learn was common to New Zealand. Still, these people were genuinely awesome beyond anyone's belief, including mine, and I will forever be in their debt. (I call them my "other parents" to this day).

After 3 months together in Auckland, an awesome city, Natalie Bratkowski was off to go back to the US. She had gotten in an argument with her gold coach at my school, and as a result had actually DROPPED her golf team (and attached scholarship), thinking she would simply pick up another school and another scholarship elsewhere. I was flabergasted, and had that little warning light go off way in the back of my head, but I was so taken with her, I overlooked any cautionary feelings and told myself "here is somebody who's strong in her decision making", something I value.

I met many people abroad. I met more people in six months in Auckland than I had my entire life in the US! No joke! What is said places like Winston Wu's awesome site are absolutely true. People outside the US are way more at ease. in New Zealand, you've got the benefit of being in a near-1st world country economically and technologically, but are surrounded by the most relaxed people you'll ever meet. Make no mistake, New Zealanders work hard, but they also know when to call it quits. I went to a beach party once where the president and a janitor at the same large company were relaxing together on beach chairs having a beer and chatting like there was no such thing as "status". This is, in fact a trait that is shared there, and to some extent in Australia too. It's hard to tell if someone is rich. They don't flaunt it like US people do, because it's not important to them. They are, IMHO, much more genuine and true to values that really matter.

Things were starting to change with this once sane girl who was now being constantly exposed to American ways. Right before I was to return to the US after 7 months in New Zealand, I was crushed when Natalie threatened not to come back to my state to see me if I wouldn't book a plane ticket for her (something she could very well do herself). Her parents were told I was the only one who had the "connections" to do it (rubbish), and were later angry when I couldn't manage to book it on the first day. I explained that I was spending the last week in New Zealand at a place called the Bay of Islands that had very limited cell phone coverage. As it was, I had to literally hang out the side of a boat I rowed waaaaaaaay out into the ocean to get a distant signal. When I eventually agreed to book the ticket, I had to call the US a total of three times, getting dropped each time because of the poor signal strength, and costing a total of $80 (New Zealand pre-paid phones aren't cheap), all because she wasn't willing to pick up a phone where she was, in the US, and dial a free 800 number herself. She potrayed me in a negative light to her parents simply to get her selfish way. The girl from a foreign place was showing signs of losing her real identity.

When I came home, I felt alone. I had to leave all the people I connected with so well during my stay. It was like dying inside. What was worse was that when I tried to tell people here about it, about how open they are overseas, how trusting, how willing to open up and invite people along to things, they just didn't understand. They tried to, but had absolutely no way to relate to what I was telling them. I think I probably came across as a little hyper-needy and maybe even unstable during that time. Natalie was all I felt I truly had, but even her changes had begun to take make her very noticably different. Unfortunately, she had been idealizing the American way of life, something I should have taken note of much earlier, but overlooked.

Then one day, the shit really hit the fan. I tried to relate my stories of friendship to her as we drove in my car around the Christmas break. I told her how much I missed my friends. These were honestly, sincerely just friends, some female. Her reaction was that I must have been cheating on her when I was away. I always knew she was different, but Natalie had an insecurity inside that was deeper than most. My intuition first told me she was dumped suddenly and hardcore by an important guy once in her life. But even that didn't seem to fit this extreme abandonment anxiety and need for attention as validation. She seemed to have been hurt even more deeply. Was it the years of golf practice as a little girl forced on her, or was that just a ploy she related to people for pity? Perhaps it was true. Maybe a childhood where love was conditional upon completing a good golf practice had somehow made her distrust love in general. I dind't know, but as soon as I sighed about missing my friends, BAM! Conspiracy theories suddenly and hugely came to the surface. Had I been cheating on her? "Girls and guys can't really be friends!" she'd say. I thought "how could this person from this wonderful place where people are all so wonderful, and guys and girls act more like casual friends than opposite sexes possibly not see how I, from the US, could miss them?!"

This is where things got really wierd. It turns out Auckland, despite its 1.4 million people (at the time) is a small place for some circles of people. I started getting calles and emails from people I know there who actually knew friends of hers, saying she had been hounding them for any little details of my time there! She demanded to see my email account to prove I hadn't had any relationships above and beyond friendly, and even when she saw it, she couldn't trust that I wasn't trying to hide something. I saw a side of Natalie Bratkowski that I'd seen before, but never turned at me.

She and I were back in my home town of Spokane, WA, for Christmas break, the second to last time I would see her. I wanted to go to midnight mass, a Catholic tradition as old as the pope's pope's pope, and something I did every year. She had known this was coming for months, and right before it was time to leave that night, decided I was not paying her enough attention, since I had been ignoring her temper tantrums all night. She flat out refused to go. I said "okay. I'm going, I'll see you in a couple hours," to which she ran outside in the snow and said "don't you leave me!". I said to myself "what the hell?" I had never seen someone so desperate for attention, almost like a little child, left out in the cold by uncaring parents.

She later broke said she wanted to break up, claiming she "sould not take it anymore". Absolutely no reason (that I would hear from her). No justification. She just wanted to run off and socialize to her heart's content, now thouroughly convinced she was one of these American girls who

As it turns out, I had information from her camp she wasn't aware of. She had been a little promiscuous when at the new school, something that I understood in advance and came to terms with as a possibillity.  Long distance relationships are one of the hardest things in the world to pull off, as humans need social contact.  Nevermind the fact that it was college, one of the most experimental times of life to date.  I really wanted her to be in my life, but it turns out the need for contact likely got the best of her.  She was likely transfering that guilt onto me in the end.

Natalie Bratkowski later joined the Army and eventually came back to the US to go to a law school in Florida, continuing to live her dream that all lawyers live like those on Law & Order, repsected because of their title and 'status'.  Sorry to let you in on this, but 78% of lawyers report wanting to go back and erase their choice of going into law all together (sorry if you're reading this and in this boat - I don't have anything against you, and respect your choices, just trying to back up a point). Reality will no doubt very shortly meet this illusion and anhialate it.  Or, perhaps she will find comfort in a life of fake status and isolation.

My point here is this: someone who had been by all accounts a well socialized, happy, free individual was 'Americanized'; telling herself she wanted to live "the life", nevermind the people encountered along the way.  I cared about her.  What did she turn into?  Someone even more jealous.  Someone unable to trust, constantly afraid of abandonment.  As is so common, in her acting out, she did the very thing to me she feared the most.

But our modern, competitive world has no place for those with unmended hearts.  We are about challenge, destruction of our opponents and productivity.  This business climate has forced me to bury my longings.  The world expects you to move on, as I have had to.  But Natalie will, I'm sad to say, likely always hold a little part of me.

More to come...

Q:  Why is a story like this on this website anyway? 
A:  It is part of a series that will soon exist on a seperate site.  For now, it resides here for SEO purposes.